


Iracundia

by tomfoolery14



Series: SH Tarot Fic [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Aftermath of Possession, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Demonic Possession, Developing Relationship, Episode: s02e04 Day of Wrath, Fix-It of Sorts, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:35:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23491798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomfoolery14/pseuds/tomfoolery14
Summary: No matter how hard he tried to remember how he could have gotten here, how he could have let a demon in, it was like trying to evoke the dregs of a long-forgotten dream. They were the faintest whispers in his head that left a feeling of déjà vu in their wake, highlighted by a terrible uneasiness crawling down his spine. The story didn’t belong to him, and the feelings left behind weren’t his burden, and yet there was nowhere else for them to be. They were trapped in his body just like he was.SH Tarot - week 5: The Tower
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: SH Tarot Fic [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1664068
Kudos: 35





	Iracundia

**Author's Note:**

> This card suggests a sudden and unwelcome change is on the horizon. The Tower is destruction and chaos and upheaval. It is a trial by fire. We need to walk through the flames, go free-falling into the stormy sea to come out the other side cleansed.

Alec’s blood pounded hard in his ears, drowning out everything around him with a crescendo. His breath stuck in his chest, and even when he took a breath in it felt like his lungs were still empty. Underneath his skin was an itch that made him want to scratch off his skin and be free of it. The blood on his hands was still warm and slick, and he felt some of it oozing slowly down his wrist in a way that made his stomach lurch. “Oh my God,” he mumbled, shakily pushing off the doorjamb to rush through the halls to his room. He was going to be sick; he could feel the heat rising in the back of his throat and shivers running through his body. His vision was chaotic, for lack of a better word, surroundings sliding in and out of focus.

Not a second too soon, he pushed open his bedroom door and locked it behind him before sprinting to the ensuite. His fingers slipped on the porcelain of the toilet as he tried to keep himself upright, smears of bloody fingerprints stark in contrast. Hauling himself to his feet, Alec leaned over the sink and turned the hot water on to furiously scrub his hands. Using his blunt nails to dig the stains from his skin eventually left his hands and palms raw. The scorch of the water eventually devolved into a tingling numbness that made his brain fill with a kind of visceral white noise. He tried to spit the sour taste of bile from his mouth but it still clung to his tongue.

Head swimming, Alec’s knees buckled and he rug curled in on itself under his weight as he slid to the floor. Blood spatter had somehow collected on the carpet and dried to the fibers, rough under his fingers. His stomach turned again, but there was nothing left to expel. “Fuck,” he hissed, his head falling back against the countertop with a muted _thunk_.

No matter how hard he tried to remember how he could have gotten here, how he could have let a demon in, it was like trying to evoke the dregs of a long-forgotten dream. They were the faintest whispers in his head that left a feeling of déjà vu in their wake, highlighted by a terrible uneasiness crawling down his spine. The story didn’t belong to him, and the feelings left behind weren’t his burden, and yet there was nowhere else for them to be. They were trapped in his body just like he was.

Suddenly, Alec felt a sharp sting—his nails had broken the skin of the meat between his thumb and forefinger, a few trails of his own blood rolled across his knuckles. The feeling of slick, warm blood covering his hands to the wrist sent shivers of disgust through his whole body and made him sick again.

The bathroom suddenly felt like a space of containment rather than solace, and he scrambled to his feet. He didn’t know where he could go that would feel any different, but he found himself following the halls on a path to roof. He could grab his bow on the way up, loose arrows until his hands were torn and numb.

The moment the cool, fresh air hit his face, he felt like one of the knots in his stomach had released. Letting the first arrow fly helped him even out his breathing—pull out the arrow from his quiver, _inhale_ , knock it carefully in the bow, _exhale_ , pull it back using his mouth as an anchor, _inhale,_ let the arrow fly from between the guide of his fingers, _exhale._ Continuing the pattern helped the tightness in his chest start to dissipate as he maintained even breaths.

But he still felt too tightly strung, like elastic stretched too tightly.

Suddenly he knew exactly what he ached for, where he would feel safe for the time being. Quickly running his stele across his anti-tracking rune, he jumped from the roof ledge and landed in a crouch on the sidewalk. He took alleyways and back streets to get to Brooklyn, and scaled the fire escape of Nightingale Towers up to the Penthouse One balcony. He landed softly on the concrete and immediately felt surrounded by the smell of lavender and chamomile tea, eucalyptus incense, and sandalwood. It felt…comforting.

“Alexander?”

Alec turned sharply to face the balcony doors where Magnus’ voice emanated from. The backlighting of the loft illuminated his form in soft smudges of gold, and cast his face partially in shadows that further defined the planes of his face.

“Hi,” he managed, suddenly acutely aware of the shame in the fact that he had shown up uninvited to Magnus’ private property. “I’m sorry I didn’t call first. I should have called before just barging in. Is now a bad time?”

Magnus took a few steps towards him, now fully visible in the cool, crisp moonlight. He was smiling warmly, in the way that made Alec’s knees feel weak, and his brain went blissfully blank for one sweet second. “Don’t be silly, angel. You’re always welcome. You’re a wonderful surprise.”

He wanted to just let himself preen under the overwhelmingly tender attention, but the shame that was simmering in his blood had turned to a boil that he couldn’t bear. “I… Something happened and I didn’t know where else to go.”

The soft expression on Magnus’ face became drawn in concern and he moved like he was going to reach out to Alec. “What’s wrong? Are you all right?”

Even though feeling under his skin wouldn’t subside, and the things he could remember were graphically etched into his memory, he couldn’t actually connect the feelings and visions with words. Shaking his head, Alec looked down at his hands. “I let a demon in.”

“What are you talking about?” Magnus replied with stoic seriousness.

Saying aloud all the horrible things Alec felt inside made a nauseous feeling grow in his stomach. The only thing that wasn’t utterly horrible about it was that Magnus’ schooled expression never once gave way to any emotion; he just looked at Alec with unshakeable focus. He was terrified of how monstrous he would become in Magnus’ eyes, but it felt inevitable. “How am I ever going to make this right, Magnus? How can I ever face Clary?”

For a moment, Magnus just remained still and silent. A lump rose in Alec’s throat at the thought that his worst fear had come true. But then he spoke. “You’re not to blame for any of this, but I know that won’t stop you from blowing up the very ground you walk on to make things right.”

“It _is_ my fault—this demon fed on our resentment and anger. If I had been able to just… _deal_ with it when everything changed, this would never have happened.” He pressed his fingers into the raw skin between his fingers that had been ravaged from his arrows. The ache was a relief in some twisted way.

“She was the first domino to fall in your world; everything felt out of your control when she set things in motion for the new direction everyone around you was taking.” Magnus had noticed the damage his knuckles had sustained and softly touched the back of Alec’s hand, releasing magic to knit the skin back together and leave behind a cooling sensation. “It’s human to be resentful of that.”

“Magnus, it’s not—” He was stopped by Magnus holding his index and middle finger to his lips to quiet him. A small, watery smile played at the corners of Alec’s mouth and Magnus gently followed the curve from his cupid’s bow to the edge with a light touch.

“No matter what has changed for you, better or worse, you have people who care about you that don’t want you to be alone,” Magnus said, and Alec believed him with everything he was.

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on [tumblr](http://royaltybane.tumblr.com)


End file.
